Yaha ke Hum Sikandar

It is the fourth Sunday of the month. Not that mentioning ‘fourth’ is important. Sundays are holidays for most people. Elders say the sun rises late on Sunday. No one has countered this for ages, so it has become a fact. Today’s youngsters, however, disagree with this having seen the sunrise after binge-watching web series after web series or returning from a party. But the elders consider the youngsters as unreliable.

Anyways, it’s the fourth Sunday and Stud Patel(our main character’s name and personality) has woken up just before noon after returning home ‘early’ last night at around 2:30 am. His mom asks him to get bread and butter from the grocery store, just 350 meters away- an unwalkable distance for someone who has been driving riding a two-wheeler on Mumbai roads long before reaching the legal age. He looks for his Scooty keys, unable to find them asks his Mom. She replies that his younger brother has taken it so he picks up his car keys and sunglasses and leaves. His mom calls him to take the cloth bag from the window, but he says he won’t need it.

An ideal city has walkable streets. A street consists of a road and footpaths on both sides. Roads are built for vehicles to travel from one place to another and footpaths are built for pedestrians to travel from one place to another. But Stud doesn’t live in an ideal city. He lives in Mumbai, not even Bombay. Bombay was much better. For Stud, Bombay is either South Mumbai or nostalgia.

Back here, four friends are walking on the road(everyone’s hands on each other’s shoulders) blocking half the road. Stud, driving and busy getting all caught up on Instagram, doesn’t see them from a distance. He now honks continuously, not once or twice, but the friends engrossed in their conversation have no idea where they are or what’s happening around them. Having failed to make his presence felt, he moves to the wrong side of the road(yes, there are no dividers). He doesn’t care about the cars coming from the opposite direction. There is a golden rule followed by every Mumbaikars : ‘If you make me suffer, I’ll make others suffer.’ After successfully making the vehicles on the other side suffer, Stud moves back to the right side of the road i.e. the left side.

Traffic Signal as seen from Stud's Sunglasses

50 meters ahead and the car reaches a junction where the signal has just turned yellow. But Stud wearing his dark blue Rayban sunglasses sees the signal green(remember the colour wheel). He starts honking and howling at the other cars. The honking continues until the signal turns cyan and the vehicles in front of him have started moving. He reaches the destination and parks his car perfectly in the middle of the road. He honks as he opens the window on the other side. Irritated by the honk, Raju looks out of his shop and notices Stud waving at him. Raju signals him to wait for 2 minutes as he attends to other customers. Noticing the traffic behind Stud’s car, Raju shouts to tell him to park his car inside. Raju’s voice is no competition to the Wakhra Swag playing in Stud’s car. Stud closes the window picks up the phone to change the song but opens his Whatsapp messages first. In ‘Yaha ke hum Sikandar’ group, Vivek has just shared a photo of the traffic he is stuck on. His message reads, ‘Traff*cked at our galli 😠 😠  Some MFer has parked his car in the middle of the road!!’

Stud laughs as he types a response when Raju knocks on the window and, after opening, says,”Bhai, thoda andar park kar lo, piche traffic ho gaya hai”. To which Stud ignores and replies “Ha woh mein dekhta hu, tu do packet brown bread aur ek butter leke aa!” Raju, failing to make him understand, runs, gets his order, and places them on the empty front seat. Stud tells him to get a plastic bag to carry and says he will pay him later.

Traffic jam as seen from Stud's Sunglasses

He starts the car and attempts a U-turn, only to realize he's trapped. Sticking his head out the window for a better view, he spots a mob approaching, with Vivek leading the charge. Glancing at the unsent WhatsApp message, he quickly deletes the letters – U, then D, then N, and then A, A, G" and decides to drive straight ahead instead.